Shocking and Profound (A review and a discussion?)

1) What I Thought of the Play (ie the review proper)

The Silicone Diaries is running until 25 Feb 2012 at the Vancouver East Cultural Centre. It is a brave, intelligent, powerful and thought-provoking piece about Nina Arsenault's journey from a young boy to the embodiment of her inner plastic goddess.

Warning: there is very graphic footage of some of the surgeries. Not as bad as my imagination had concocted after being given the obligatory warning, but definitely squirm worthy. Try and stomach it though,  there's some other great footage in there if you peek through your fingers.

And just in case you forget you're watching a play about surgery, Arsenault's costume is an inspired reminder. The transparent PVC not only complements the subject matter's synthetic aesthetic, it also provides the perfect “show and tell” tool as Arsenault demonstrates how the surgeries work. Complete with the ripping sound of a finger running up a skin tight skirt to add a deliciously discomforting accompaniment to the description of each procedure.

I must admit, watching Arsenault ascend the stage at the beginning of the performance and hearing her first few muted sentences I thought “Oh dear, nearly two hours with a performer that doesn't have the stage presence to pull off a one-person show.” But I grew accustomed to Arsenault's manner, and as the audience warmed up, so did she.

She draws you in. Her humour is sharp, she is charismatically neurotic and some of her observations can be quite poetic. Arsenault's voice may be soft and her movements stiff and stylized, but her imitations of the characters in her anecdotes are transportational  and engaging.

The narrative (The program insert informs me that the dramaturg, Judith Rodakoff, was also the editor of “Trans(per)forming Nina Arsenault: And Unreasonable Body of Work”.) is masterfully constructed. It's not easy to make one person talking for an hour and forty-five minutes feel like an adventure, but the script was chronologically and thematically easy to follow and kept my interest the entire time.

An interesting juxtaposition I rather enjoyed: the further the story goes into Arsenault's synthetic physicality, the deeper we go into the characters' stories and the more authentic Aresenault’s performance becomes... Neat.

I don't want to give away the end, but wow, the story went in directions I was not expecting! Arsenault delivers the narrative of her life in a way that had me constantly questioning, trying on her experience and struggling to understand her motivations. She talks about aspiring to look like a Barbie Doll or a store mannequin - my mind roils in incomprehension. She had me questioning my identity, my concept of beauty and how I judge other people. Her performance was beautiful and scary and inspiring all at once.

I am so glad that this play exists. This is what contemporary theatre needs: real, provocative stories that come alive in that space between the audience and performer. Theatre is about human connection, soul to soul. I think The Silicone Diaries is a perfect example of how this art-form is more relevant today than ever.

2) What the Play Made me Think (ie the personal sidebar)

“Make me plastic, just make me beautiful.”

If you’re anything like me, you have an immediate visceral reaction to the above statement. And some of the ideas and physical representations of beauty featuring in this play did make me feel physically ill. Which may been the intention, but I somehow doubt Arsenault would have undergone such dangerous and expensive surgery just to be ironic. What I really thought was great (and the gift I'm taking away from this experience) is a personal epiphany: I didn’t realize I had such a strong definition of beauty or femininity until this moment. I've always felt very disconnected from all that. Obviously beauty and femininity are subjective, personal definitions, and I think my experience and my definitions are very different from Nina Arsenault’s, but I do have her to thank for helping me to define them.

As a woman watching this story of a woman in a man’s body and her quest to embody how she felt, I had a lot of uncomfortable questions. Arsenault’s ideal of feminine is most certainly not mine and while I can identify with looking in the mirror and thinking “that’s not me” and hating my body, I cannot relate to any of the concepts or qualities of Arsenault’s definition of womanhood. Now I’m not a typical woman and I know all sorts of stereotypes are out there and I'm not saying my truth is THE truth at all. I just want to share some of my experience. Please add your own comments to this, I'd love to have the discussion...

What really struck me perhaps the most is that I found the first few photographs of Arsenault (barely changed from her “man self” after perhaps only having breast implants) such a beautiful, pure representation of my idea of womanhood. I didn't find her to be an effeminate looking man or a woman who looked like a man, to me she just looked like a very beautiful young woman. And these are the images where Arsenault comments on seeing so much “man” in her face and body! I just couldn’t see it. I thought she was perfect.

In contrast, the end result of Arsenault’s surgeries put me more in mind of how a woman is perhaps perceived by a stranger, from the outside. She is perhaps the ideal woman as seen by a man (no offense guys), or a cartoon of the physical characteristics, but lacking all of the traits that I experience and label “female” within my self and my body.

It made me wonder about the whole “woman trapped in man’s body” idea. Not that I can claim to define womanhood any more than Arsenault or anyone else can. But it certainly raised the question. What is a woman anyway? If it ISN’T a collection of body parts. If it isn't a stereotype. Is it a state of mind? Is it a collection of emotional and intellectual traits and values? Am I less of a woman because I don't embody any of those generalizations? I have a strong experience that I label “female” but I couldn't begin to describe it. And it doesn't fit any of the definitions I've found so far.

Not that any of this matters with respect to the play, which I think is more about the struggle of making your outsides match your insides. And THAT I can 100% identify with. I think Arsenault is so brave to share her story. It's an extreme version of the struggle that is within us all as part of the human condition and I can only admire her bravery and humility as she relentlessly pursues the embodiment of her self.